Crap Elvis

Untitled

2010-03-15T07:51:00.001+08:00

Posted via web from matt's posterous

Crap Elvis cracks a mention in The Huffington Post

2010-01-21T13:01:00.001+08:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/20/australians-still-going-c_n_430550.html

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Photos and photos (and photos)

2010-01-17T15:00:00.004+08:00

As mentioned previously, I shot thru the Parkes Elvis Festival without taking a single photo or video (should have installed wig-cam) , but fortunately there are some great ones out there (still looking for video footage if anyone's got some though).
Someone who I feel managed to capture all the flavours of the fest is Jen Li who has done a stunning job making her photos available for all to see. So just quickly I'll pop up some slideshows of them here, but to see them in all their full glory, just click thru to her flickr pages.

Crap Elvis at Parkes 2010 slideshow:

Elvis Express on the way to Parkes Elvis Festival slideshow

Parkes Elvis Festival Street Parade

Parkes main park (Cooke Park) including main stage slideshow:

Around Parkes Town slideshow

Crap Elvis CD surprise (unintentional!)

2010-01-13T10:30:00.000+08:00

Just a quicky here to everyone who bought the CD during the festival. Depending on your viewpoint you may be beeping lucky enough or beeping unlucky enough to have one of a few rogue copies that slipped out which didn't have the final edit of The Telemarketer Song on.
You'll know from when I perform this live that I make like I'm about to swear in a couple of places but actually don't. However to keep the song flowing during the recording I was asked to just go for it in the places which would then be beeped over for the final edit.

So...now you know where I'm going with this and I'm sure if you've got one, you will have beeping realised by now! If you have one of the dodgy copies and just in case you're offended by a word you're likely to hear most nights on the tv or down the pub...or you're a Crap Elvis purist and simply want the finished product, email me at crapelvis@gmail.com with the details of where and when you bought it and I'll sort you out a new copy.

Thankyou. Thankyou sweary much.
Crap Elvis

'A Piece Of Crap' CD cover

2010-01-13T09:59:00.004+08:00

For those who wanted it in glorious colour rather than the cheap and nasty (who could expect more!) version supplied, simply click on it and print or download. Stunning...kinda!

All Crapped Out!

2010-01-12T11:45:00.001+08:00

Back in Sydney (then Perth tmrw) after another insane Parkes Elvis Festival. Think I managed 13 Crap Elvis shows in 3 days ranging from audiences of 10 to 400 on the street, various stage venues, and the Elvis Express train. That's one wig u don't want to get near to at the mo! Also sold out the new CD (A Piece Of Crap). Thanks to all the locals and visitors who voted for me and put me back on the main stage as a top 3 finalist. Incredibly surreal to have the worst up there with the best!
If you were there and have any photos or video of any shows, I'd love to post some up so feel free to email me them at crapelvis@gmail.com
Thanks crazy people!
Crap Elvis
www.crapelvis.com

Posted via web from matt's posterous

Crap Elvis and some dodgy old bags

2010-01-08T06:30:00.001+08:00

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0000.mov (2693 KB)

Posted via web from matt's posterous

Crap Elvis - Stalkin' You (Stuck On You parody)

2010-01-06T19:23:00.001+08:00

Stalkin' You (Stuck On You Parody) by Crap Elvis (Www. Crapelvis. Com)
Download now or listen on posterous

Stalkin' You (Stuck On You parody).mp3 (3327 KB)

Finished final rehearsal and packing for Parkes Elvis Festival. Here's a little taster for ya

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Crap Elvis CD. It's "A Piece Of Crap".

2010-01-04T20:43:00.004+08:00

I could tell you it was a year in the making, but of course I'd be lying. It was probably about 3 days in the making preceded by about 11 1/2 months of procrastinating. Finally it's a reality though and will first be available this weekend at the Parkes Elvis Festival (see post below where I'll be performing). More a half decent drinks coaster than a half decent CD, so twice the reason to buy it.

So here we go with a tracklist...

Crap Elvis presents A Piece Of Crap

1 Intro/Crap Elvis Suit (Blue Suede Shoes parody)
2 Stalkin' You (Stuck On You parody)
3 Send Your Account Number (Return to Sender parody)
4 She's Inflatable (She's Not You parody)
5 Let Me Be Your Terrorist (Teddy Bear parody)
6 The Telemarketer Song (If I Can Dream parody)
7 Burnin' Toast (Burnin' Love parody)
8 Treat Your Lice (Treat Me Nice parody)
9 If You're Looking For Trevor (Trouble parody)
10 Suspicious Bags (Suspicious Minds parody)

Parkes Elvis Festival 2010 - I'm back baby!

2010-01-04T19:44:00.002+08:00

Hello bloggy readers. Yes, I've neglected you. I've treated you like crap. But I get treated like Crap every day. I quite like it!
Lots of exciting stuff coming up in 2010 which I'll let you know about here if you've forgotten that whole neglecting you thing already.

First off. Parkes Elvis Festival 2010. I'll be there. In just a few days time. Righty ho then, best start rehearsing.
At this stage I'll be performing on the Elvis Express train from Sydney to Parkes (not sure yet if I'm performing on the way out on Friday or the way back on Monday). I love a captive audience. No where to run people. Not even the dining carriage is safe. I'll find you.

Plus I've been given a permanent pitch to perform at each day throughout the day on Clarinda Street outside the Coachman Hotel Motel. Come say hi, clap your hands (or put them over your ears...whatever), join in the singalong with the inappropriate lyrics, and most importantly plop your vote in for me for best street performance. If I get enough votes there's a chance that I may pick up some cash to afford my flight back to Perth. And let's face it, who wants me stuck anywhere near you over there in NSW.

I'll also have my new CD for sale for the first time EVER! It's "A Piece Of Crap" and features all the Crap Elvis crowd favourites. More on that in the next post. I'm getting all emotional already.

Checking in before I check in

2009-06-17T11:14:00.004+08:00

Well, hello there! Flying out to LA and Vegas tonight but thought I'd drop by and chuck a bit of video up that's been kicking around the laptop for a while. It's a clip of a live performance from The Comedy Lounge in Perth. With a 5 minute limit on the night, I condensed a few songs into one montage. Strangely, this performance lead to a spot at the Raw Comedy finals at the Perth Concert Hall. The last time I was there was in the audience watching Noel Gallagher. Bet he's kicking himself he couldn't return the favour.

A load of crop: Crap Elvis on the farm, plus gig news

2009-03-16T13:47:00.006+09:00

Since the last post, I completely failed in whacking up the promised photos from a trip to a farm down south of Western Australia, yet somehow succeeded in making it through the first heat of the Raw Comedy competition (the universe is obviously out of balance). So back on the horse properly now (actually it will have to be a sheep - no horses on that farm), and here's the photos. Plus if you want to come along to the Raw Comedy Wildcard Show this Thursday (19 March) at the Comedy Lounge, Charles Hotel, North Perth, click here for all the details. I'll be one of a few on that night.
Also quick thanks to those who turned up at late notice to the Llama Bar show last week.
Righty ho....photos coming now.

Thinking....thinking.....oh come on, how could I drive past this...

Can't. Resist. Gift. From. Comedy. Gods.
PS: Always carry some masking tape and a marker pen with you.

Deadwood. And some old trees.

Off to check on the new wig harvest. It's been a number of years since the last good batch.

Dealing with writers blockage.

Elvis had an extensive silo career

Ahead. And a body. And some legs.

The annual "running of the sheep." Terrifying.

Hearty farm meals definitely take their toll.

Ooh, here I am....

2009-02-10T18:12:00.003+09:00

Sorry, been absolutely rubbish since finally getting back to Perth where it all started just over a year ago. But Crap Elvis isn't dead (he just smells a bit that way). This Thurs 12 Feb, I'll be appearing in Western Australia for the first time in Raw Comedy at The Charles Hotel, North Perth 8pm. It's an annual competition so just a quick 5 mins but I've put a special montage together for it. If you're nearby and want to come down, further details at the Comedy Lounge website here

Plus in the lead up to it, the Stirling Times came round to do a quick article, which you can also find online by clicking here

Will be back posting very shortly with some strange photos of Crap Elvis on a farm recently. Yeah, I know, I bet you can't wait.

New videos and other stuff

2009-01-17T12:33:00.005+09:00

Have just chucked a little videoblog together of my Parkes Elvis Festival experience...

There were TV Crap sightings on ABC, SBS, Channel Seven. Channel Ten journo Brett Mason kindly sent me his report from the national news with a brief bit of Crap in it. Here ya go...

Also caught up with Jess Perriam from the ABC for an interview and a laugh -
http://www.abc.net.au/local/photos/2009/01/12/2463617.htm

I wrote Crap Elvis' Top Five travel destinations for the Sydney Morning Herald
http://www.smh.com.au/travel/top-five-places-crap-elvis-20090103-79dp.html

Brief mention in The Australian
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,24893603-5013404,00.html

Couple of older articles that I forgot to post up from The Sunday Times (Perth)
http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,24640700-5012990,00.html
http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,24621035-5005368,00.html

Also recent nice radio chats to Gavin Miller on 6PR, Jamie McDonald on Talking Back The Night (41 stations across Australia), and Jeff Burzacott on 5AA

a MASSIVE hunka love - Parkes Elvis Festival recap

2009-01-14T16:33:00.015+09:00

Crap Elvis levitating above the mainstage

"The owner of the light blue Datsun, you've left your lights on"

Well, that was interesting! Despite the heavy rains just before showtime, an astonishing amount of people stuck around to be entertained/offended during the mainstage performance (photos above). They expected Crap, and they got it. Although it did seem all too easy to convince them to sing the word's "You can't sing and you're crap. We don't doubt that. In fact you're just a loser baby" to the end of the show's final song "Suspicious Bags" (to the tune of Suspicious Minds).
Because of the rain, the video was shot from the stage so unfortunately the sound didn't turn out too great, so I'll hopefully pop the video of the performance from The Dock on the site tomorrow instead.

And the festival in general? Amazing (biggest one ever), surreal (gangs of marauding Elvii everywhere you look), and ultra friendly. The official symbol of international friendship has to be the Elvis suit. In fact, whilst I was chatting to Gordon the Scottish Elvis, he informally put forward his plan to solve the middle east crisis. Suddenly it all made sense. Who could possibly act violently towards a man in a white jumpsuit and cheap wig. If the UN are reading this now (could happen), forget about aid packages for both sides, let's airdrop Elvis suits to Hammas and Israel and turn the Gaza strip into a Vegas strip. Job done. Right, Zimbabwe you're next (anyone know Mugabe's shoe size?).

And to follow up from a previous post....you want a woman in a knitted Elvis wig....here you go...

How about the local mayor in a jumpsuit

In fact a man in a $30 Elvis suit could almost go unnoticed. Almost.

But not a man dressed as a cow...dressed as Elvis.
(didn't get photos of the koala and giraffe also gyrating, but they were there)

When marketing gets carried away...

Where does she think she's going in that suit? Round the world?!

It's always the same. You wait ages for a Priscilla to come along, then 9 come along at once.

Another day, another gig on a train in the world's worst Elvis suit.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I will now put my pants back on"

And they all lived happily ever after.

Local boy 75 year old Stan. The wig started as a small hairy mole.

"Live" at The Dock bar/restaurant. Some say it had an "unplugged" feel about it. Most reckon that the sound system should have been.

Will sing for drinks.

Onstage at the Parkes Hotel. Someone must have left chewing gum on the floor.

Collective noun suggestions for a group of Elvis' (Elvii):
A burger/jumpsuit/hunka/karaoke/tragic of Elvii. Any more, let me know at crapelvis@gmail.com.

"Thankyou. I'll be here all weekend. Try the burgers"

London, Moscow, Paris, Rio........Parkes: Crap Elvis returns to the Elvis Festival

2009-01-10T12:58:00.003+09:00

Just a real quick post. After 25 countries across the world, the trip has spat me back out at the Parkes Elvis Festival in Australia. It's pure Elvis madness.
I've met a woman who knitted her own Elvis wig, shaken hands with the town's mayor who was also in full Elvis gear.....and have just finished a full set of Crap Elvis tunes on the town's mainstage.
Despite some die-hard Elvis fans obviously organising the weather against me, with the only torrential storm of the day starting just before my performance, I was reckoning around the 14 minute mark before I'd get booed off. Fortunately the storm messed with people's logical side of the brain and I managed the full half hour to rapturous and worrying applause.
Now for some rest for another gig in 2 hours time.....
Photos, videos to follow in next couple of days.

Crap Elvis video montage

2009-01-01T17:44:00.002+09:00

Ooh, a new year treat!
As the trip draws to a well overdue close in the next couple of weeks, I've slapped together video clips of Crap Elvis sightings in every country from the past 12 months.

Currently still in Indonesia, but next stop Parkes, NSW, Australia for the Parkes Elvis Festival.
It ain't over till the Crap Elvis sings....

It's Merpati and I'll cry if I want to: Crap Elvis in Lombok, Indonesia

2009-01-01T17:01:00.004+09:00

Crapppppppppy new yeaaaaaaaaaaaar!

Somewhere on an island off Lombok, which is an island off Bali, a man in a cheap Elvis suit is accepted and respected. Maybe if they had better connections to the outside world on Gili Trawangan they may be a little more disappointed. But this is a place with salt water showers, no cars, and horse drawn taxis so I've got to take these opportunities while I can.

Coz tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1969.

So in the run-up to New Year's Eve on Gil Trawangan, I'd strapped in for a 20 minute flight on Merpati Air from Bali to Lombok (am still wondering what happens in the final 1 hour 40 minutes of the inflight movie). Aa few days were spent on the south coast chasing waves, and avoiding cows, chickens and coconuts in the road.

The service station attendent may have been young, but at least she put her cigarette out before serving me. The official unit of petrol in Lombok is "old whisky bottle."

Interesting choice of business name. But whatever turns you on hey?

Traditional stick fighting. Shortly afterwards it descended into an all in brawl which the police had to break up. Who'd have thought that something so simple as 2 men beating each other with long sharp poles would lead to violence.

Rush hour.

I was very lucky to witness the world record attempt for "how many people can you get in a tiny minibus"....

...but even luckier to see the world record attempt at "how many people can you fit on a moped"

Indo Ghetto - Crap Elvis in Bali

2008-12-25T20:21:00.006+09:00

As you can tell by the photos below, it's Xmas Day. OK, so there's no pine trees, turkey, tinsel, Santa, bad socks, dodgy jumpers, or The Sound of Music on tv, but trust me, this is Xmas Day Bali style.

Beautiful waves Serangan style. About to be ruined by some ugly surf style.

Thinking about it.

Sod it. It's Xmas.

Nobody was Kung Fu fighting: Crap Elvis in Hong Kong

2008-12-10T10:16:00.003+09:00

OK, just squeezing some free net access in at HK airport so it's another slap and dash photo post.
Just about to head to Bali for a month of surfing, writing, and maybe even a little rehearsing for the Parkes Elvis Festival (Australia) performance. Maybe even update the wordy bits on the blog......or maybe not.....this body isn't going to massage itself!

World's Biggest Outdoor Sitting Buddha (the guy at the top, not the bottom, of the photo)

I know...you've seen one rubbish Elvis-suit wearer poledancing in a cable car, you've seen 'em all.

Blending in like a local.

The regulars on the train to "The Peak" were obviously used to how steep it is.

At "The Peak." Like most tourist lookouts, you have to pay for the telescope. I have since found that by simply standing a lot closer to the thing you are trying to view, you get the same effect.

Hong Kong icon. And the Star ferry.

This is when I realised our hotel wasn't the classiest.

Love Mao Tender: Crap Elvis in China

2008-12-02T23:57:00.006+09:00

The Great Wall of China (and the Great Tool of Australia)

In a wall-naming vote, "The Not Too Shabby Wall of China." only just lost out.

It kept the Mongolians out for hundreds of years. It kept a $30 Elvis suit out for about 10 minutes.

Made a silly mistake when I ordered the Birds Nest Stadium instead of the birds nest soup. Could be doing the dishes for a few days to pay that bill off.

Gripped by Olympic Fever. Not quite as nasty as Bird Flu or SARS.
Demonsrating the Breaststroke outside "The Water Cube." It's moves like this that made Phelps what he is today.

The plan was if I stood really still, no-one would notice. Later police questioning suggests otherwise.

Mao portrait overlooking Tianneman Square.

I'm collecting dead leaders. With dead Lenin already off the list in Moscow, it was time to add dead Mao. Only dead since 1976 so the smell wasn't as bad. Here I am in front of his mausoleum (Mao-soleum?). Full military uniform allowed inside. Wig and glasses denied.

In forbidden clothes in the Forbidden City.

Maybe they could protect the railings that protect the relics, by putting some more relics in front of the railings.

How many times must I say this...

Genghis Presley: Crap Elvis in Mongolia

2008-11-26T20:04:00.003+09:00

No time to talk you through these yet. Basically though they're all from the 3 days spent in Mongolia. One day in Ulaan Bataar, and 2 in the middle of absolutely nowhere. They include photos with nomads we met (and their gers that we slept in), a 40metre high shiny Genghis Khan, and what I thought was a demonstration I took part in....which on further googling has turned out to be me taking part in a Mongolian noodle tv commercial.
Back on the final leg of the Transmongolian railway tomorrow to Beijiing.

Feeling husky: Crap Elvis in Siberia

2008-11-26T19:40:00.003+09:00

Chilly here innit?! -9C when we set off for Lake Baikal - an hour away from Irkutsk.

Dogsledding near Lake Baikal, Siberia. The snow just thin enough to make it reallllllly hurt when you're thrown from the back of the homemade sled.

Snowmobile-jacking.

After a hard day's falling off a dog sled, there was chance to relax in a Russian banya. Basically the hottest, dryest, sauna-est room you've been in, followed by a thorough thrashing about the body with a bunch of birch branches and leaves, and then a stupidly cold shower. Repeat til you faint.

Lake Baikal - world's deepest lake. Too cold to put your hand in, so I'll take someone else's word on it.

So I'm guessing the high priced ticket for the big game that night was a scam.

Crap Elvis on the Transmongolian Railway

2008-11-26T19:09:00.004+09:00

The Moscow to Yekaterinburg section weighing in at a leisurely 28 hours. Fortunately, I had no time to waste on reading or looking out of the window once discovering that I was sharing my compartment with some Russian boxing champions on the way to the National Championships in Perm. Despite only 2 boxers actually booked in this compartment, it varied from 4 to 8 at any one time. Despite not talking any Russian, and them not talking any English, we managed to repeat the same conversation over and over until they got off. Conversation may be a rather loose term for what really was this sentence "Australia! Kangaroos. Costa Tsyzu." Costa Tsyzu is a Russian boxer who moved to Australia. Kangaroos are...well, let's not get too bogged down with details.

"If you don't have a broken nose, make some noiiiiise". Just me then.

View from the train. Ooh look, another snow filled field.

Then it got really exciting.

Yekaterinburg to Irkutsk took a lazy 53 hours. No Russian boxers, just one Russian policewoman. No photos due to fear of arrest.

How 51 of the 53 hours was spent. Apart from the drunk helicopter pilot who tipped vodka in my beer. If you're ever in the country, never accept a lift in a chopper.

Red Suede Shoes: Crap Elvis in Moscow

2008-11-15T19:23:00.006+09:00

Red Square:

Practising for my midget kickboxing bout that night.

Turning my back on the Kremlin after being denied entrance. Wasn't able to greet Lenin in costume either. His body is still on display in a separate building just outside the walls. He looks only slightly more real than Michael Jackson. And he can dance a lot better.

If you can't beat them, join them.
Copying the Russian military's march, and auditioning for the Ministry of Silly Walks at the same time. Kremlin entry still denied.

Stalin, Presley, Lenin (all very average representations)

Spot the odd one out (yes, third guy from the right is the only one wearing underwear)

If only I could speak Russian - then I might have some idea what this shop sells

Crap Elviski - Crap Elvis in St Petersburg, Russia

2008-11-15T19:08:00.002+09:00

With the local language skills of a 3 year old, we arrived in St Petersburg, Russia after some strange visa delay (I think my occupation category was confusing). An unbelievable feeling of helplessness took over when emerging out of the airport, I couldn't even read, let alone speak any word on any sign. We had to resort to matching the shapes in the words.
Trying to be hardcore/cheaparse travellers, we finally boarded a local marshrutka (ford transit crazy van), then the metro (to correct the wrong direction we'd gone in the marshrutka), then another marshrutka, then a little walk to the hostel. All in all, the 25minute trip from the airport took us 2 hours.

Church On The Spilled Blood - (the vote for "Church where something vaguely unpleasant happened" was clearly beaten).

St Petersburg's Palace Square - the tourists go crazy for it. Sorry, the tourist go crazy for it.

This just in: World still crazy

2008-11-08T02:57:00.002+09:00

Just packing for Russia (oh yes, that should be interesting!), and thought I'd just pop up these couple of newsy bits. Unfortunately for the USA's National Examiner, world changing political situations still aren't as sensational as aliens landing on someone's face...or some stupid bloke in a cheap Elvis suit. I think this article published recently in the National Examiner proves that although they may be ready for a black President, it still may be generations before they accept the French.

Also, thanks to a friend who sent me this from the London Lite. And if you read the words underneath, yep, still getting mistaken for a fan of Elvis!

Crap Elvis v The Beatles: Crap Elvis in Liverpool and Blackpool

2008-11-04T19:31:00.005+09:00

Yes..I know...am still slacking with just whacking photos up. Of course...words to follow soon!

Liverpool:

Blackpool:

Crap Elvis in the Czech Republic

2008-11-04T19:11:00.003+09:00

Full wordy bits to follow in next few days...

Prague:

..and when in Prague...

Prague peace wall. Ooh, the serenity....

An important message for us all

On closer inspection, I was disappointed to find that the town wasn't actually made from cardboard cutouts

Ich bin ein Crap Elviser: Crap Elvis in Germany

2008-11-04T18:51:00.004+09:00

Ooh look, lots of pictures. Words to follow in next few days!

Oktoberfest

Berlin: A right charlie at Checkpoint Charlie

The Wall: Serious face collection

Serious face collection aborted:

Oh, hang on...serious face back again.

Cologne:

St George is cross: Crap Elvis goes to Wembley

2008-10-15T18:29:00.007+08:00

With a ticket in hand (well you try finding a pocket in that suit) to see England play a world cup qualifying match at the new Wembley Stadium in London, I chanced my luck at using Harry Potter's platform of choice at Kings Cross station. Got stuck half way, and ended up looking like a bit of a nob. Again.
I'm beginning to think that the Potter series isn't a documentary after all.

Ooooh, can you feel the tension in the air. That's what happens when England go up against one of the powerhouses of world football - Kazakhstan. And what was the hottest topic of debate about the game. Was it "Is captain John Terry going to play?". Was it "Will Beckham be left on the bench?" Errr. No. It was "I can't believe the police are banning people from wearing Borat-style mankinis to the game on the grounds of public decency." These are the issues people. (check out the Sun newspaper's response to the ban here)

Stupidly they left a loophole open in the ban that allowed people to quite openly walk around in a bad Elvis suit.

Little chat with the BBC.

Wozz, Chaz, Kaz, Gazz...and Ez.

Wem-ber-ley! 5-1 (the result, but coincidentally the ratio of Borat to football references at the game)

Stupid kid - never seen a dodgy Elvis sitting on an oversize furniture setting by the Thames before.

Crap Elvis and a run of good news!

2008-10-14T19:15:00.004+08:00

Couple of very nice things just happened...

Just got word from Australia that on Saturday night, I won the 2008 comedy award in the Australian Radio Awards for a very surreal phone call I made in my pre-$30-suit days working for a breakfast radio show in Western Australia.
You should be able to see the audio player below, and it's the first track on the player "the ant and the phone engineer".
Track number 3 (cake message) is also another call that I made which won the 2007 award (ooh, is that the sound of one's own trumpet being blown!).

Also, have just confirmed with organisers that I will return to the Parkes Elvis Festival , near Sydney, Australia in January 2009. Earlier this year (Jan), it was the first stop on this ridiculous round the world trip, where I reached my goals of last placing at the sound a like and lookalike competitions.
However, this is where things get strange....next January I will be performing a half hour set on the main stage during the festival, with my new updated lyrics on various Elvis tunes. I'll apologise now.
If you need reminding of what happened last time, click here.

And now an update on the Pick Me Up magazine article mentioned in the last post. In the cheesiest article yet about Crap Elvis, this one is part of their "Behind the man" series and focusses on my girlfriend. Being such a hardhitting article, it's headline on the front cover reads "My smelly Elvis made us famous," and is presented as if my girlfriend has written it (she didn't, but was interviewed for it). And as if we live in a bad 70s sitcom. Lovin' it!!!!...

And finally some more media updates:
Weekly radio chats continue with Jeff Burzacott on 5AA
A nice Crap Elvis photo gallery spotted on radio station Nova's website in Perth

Stop Press: Crap Elvis in even crappier article....

2008-10-10T00:33:00.003+08:00

Not seen a copy yet, but have been told that Crap Elvis has just made the cover of UK magazine "Pick Me Up" (Oct 9 edition).

Have found a front cover pic, but can't read my headline yet. Back to the UK tomorrow so will let you know when I pick a copy up at the airport.
However as you can see, I have been beaten by bigger stories such as:

* Tricked into having baby at 15, by mum!
* I ate 75 Mars Bars to save twin!
* A dog ate my nose!
* My left hand is out of control!

I feel a career highlight coming on.....

Elvis Pis - Crap Elvis in Belgium

2008-09-30T18:30:00.005+08:00

Just popping the pics up for now. Ridiculous stories to follow when I get a good sesh at a net cafe.

Pis and Crap:
Belgium's unofficial national symbol -Manneken Pis. Flemish translation is "little man pee."
And when the Belgians can make it their biggest tourist attraction, you know they are laughing at us as hard as we are laughing at them.

What's he staring at?

Elvis Cutre (Catalan translation: shabby Elvis) - Crap Elvis in Barcelona

2008-09-30T17:44:00.007+08:00

Fiesta or siesta - Spain seems to randomly choose one at any moment. This time, sleep was the Eddie the Eagle Edwards style clear loser in the battle during my Barcelona stay as I'd timed my arrival with their biggest festival of the year - Fiesta De La Merce. Now I'm sure there is a lot of history and reason behind the events at these festivals, but the only prerequisite I could deduce is that they combine heavy drinking with dangerous activities (see also Running of the Bulls, La Tomatina etc which seem only to exist to injure as many Aussie backpackers as possible).

With that in mind it was out to one of the many packed "plazas" one night, with a "bar to human" ratio only rivalled by the "human to amount of drinks in one night" ratio, to down a few beers and then head to the Correfoc. This translates into English as "run-fire," which is obviously just an irrelevant name as the last thing you should be doing after drinking heavily is running through the streets amongst a load of fire. Except this is Spain, so the name suggests exactly what it is, ie running throught the streets amongst a load of fire. I normally live in a place where fireworks are banned and too many candles on a birthday cake can cause a neighbour to dial the emergency services, so when hundreds of crazy drunk Spaniards appear dressed as the devil, swinging nuclear strength sparklers above their heads into the crowd, and throwing brown-noise threatening ear-splitting bangers with the care of a 2 year old, a little voice in my head says "go on, join in...what's the worse that can happen?"...even when the procession starts attaching fireworks to the nose of model dragons they are pushing.

I'd been forewarned that my usual suit would likely disintegrate in 3 seconds, and if the wig stayed on, memories of Michael Jackson and a Pepsi commercial could come flooding back, so fortunately the only scars I can boast are a hoody full of burn holes. However I'm sure there are a few participants, who if they want to read this update, will have to wait for the braille translation.

The next day of the festival focussed on another group of sado-masochists. The Castellers. These teams of otherwise sane Spaniards seek more tradition in building human castles competitively. Much like building castles with playing cards, you start with a huge group of people at the base, then try to balance additional layers. Obviously the more layers, the more unstable, the more easily affected by wind etc. Therefore, sometimes they fall. Unfortunately with humans it's not as easy as gathering the fallen cards up and chucking them back in the packet, namely because the broken bones, twisted limbs and bruises don't fit in the box anymore. Luckily the adults have found a way of minimising their chances of injury, and that's by sending 5 year olds up to the top levels.

As the teams entered the plaza, I was extremely lucky to be standing in the exact part of the crowd where they decided to commence their human Jenga games. In fact the base levels of the teams were so close that I thought it would be a great chance to get a stupid photo pretending to help firm up the base. What I now know is that pretending to help, looks like you're trying to help a particularly unstable castle which needs more help, and despite being the only one not in traditional dress, and in fact dressed as a poor man's Elvis, suddenly I'm reluctantly helping. Help!

With my only task seemingly to nuzzle myself into the man in front's armpit (sadly not a day celebrating the patron saint of deodorant), I heard the crowd suddenly hold their breath, although not for the same reason I was. As I glanced upwards, the upper levels were wobbling. So as a sea of screaming humans toppled over onto us, self-preservation kicked in, and I crouched down allowing the taller people to take the full force. Hey, it's not my traditional event. Plus, disaster could have happened - I could have lost the wig.

OK, from looking at this picture, I'll admit it. It was probably a mistake to tickle the guy above me's foot.

For some reason, Spanish TV were interested as to why someone dressed vaguely as Elvis had become an integral part of thier various traditional Casteller (human castles) teams.

For the human castle coverage, including some crazy falls and the Crap Elvis interview (about 5mins in) click here: http://www.tv3.cat/videos/693729
I have been dubbed into Spanish and branded Elvis Cutre - literal translation is Elvis Shabby. I've never sounded better, or been described better for that matter.

Parade of the giants (lead by the shuffle of the idiot in the white suit)

Also checked off the usual Gaudi (replace it with gaudy if you want) sights of Barcelona.
Sagrada Familia

Gaudi's Park Guell

Don't you hate it when you're having a quiet coffee, and a famous racing driver calls you over for a photo. Thanks Ralph Schumacher.

Why haven't I heard of this exclusive collection before?...

El Crapador - Crap Elvis in Spain..again

2008-09-22T02:14:00.006+08:00

Hola Valencia...

After a failed attempt to get typically Spanishy earlier in the trip (ended up larging...and lagering...it up in Ibiza), another cheap flight found me on trip numero dos to Valencia in spain. Starting with an incredibly underwhelming welcome on the tarmac - I waved to the crowd, and he waved back. "He" being the guy with the ping pong bats and earmuffs, and "waved back" being rude hand gestures for me to get off the steps. Never one to let a foreign insult heed the trip though, thus began a few days of of tapas, sangria, and paella. And depsite sounding like new car models from Ford, they're actually all typical food and drinks (however I do recommend you test drive the new Renault Tortilla) . In fact Valencia was where Paella (seafood and rice dish) was invented, and it's also the site of the annual Tomantina festival where a nearby village turns into a massive tomato foodfight. Let's hope they never combine the both, as it's all very funny until someone gets a prawn in the eye.

From Valencia I was keen to take a few days driving up the coast to Barcelona, so managed to get an amazing deal on car hire on the net (75 euros for 4 days)...until I had this conversation when I went to pick it up...

Car Hire Woman: So that's 75 euros for the car, and 90 euros for the one way rental. 165 euros please

Crap Elvis: (shocked look) Hang on, there was no mention of a one way rental fee

CHW: Yes, but you are renting for less than 7 days, so we have to charge it.

CE: OK, how much to rent the car for 7 days?

CHW: 112 euros

CE: (puzzled look) OK then, fine, I'll pay for 7 days, then drop it off after 4, and we both win.

CHW: No sir, if you bring it back after 4 days, we will consider it less than a week, then you must pay the one way fee.

CE: (stunned, then smug look) Well then, I may as well rent it for 7 days, drive to your office after 4 days, park it on the street outside, then return to your office 3 days later and drive it into your carpark.

CHW: Yes sir.

CE: (eats his own face, and proceeds with plan)

Peniscola (It's not just cola!)

Traditional dress... and some local Spanish girls in their usual stuff

How to mess with the tourists - tell them the bullring is empty...

Sorry, I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't take this photo

The newspapers are full of Crap

2008-09-21T18:48:00.000+08:00

I think the world had a slow news week, as media coverage has gone a bit silly recently.

Obviously Lewis Hamilton, Kim Wilde and Nick Faldo weren't doing anything interesting, as all coming from the same area as I originally am from, I managed to end up on front page and page 3 of The Welwyn and Hatfield Times, leaving them to languish in much less read pages. Take that one to the tribunal Hamilton.

However it was only when full page articles in some of the UK's biggest papers started appearing with stuff I'd never said, and an Elvis addiction I've never had, that I realised that Britney Spears must have been treating her kids well, Amy Winehouse must have had a quiet night in, and the England football team must have been performing adequately, leaving valuable column inches to fill. That'll be me then.

The Sun: www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1648431.ece

Daily Mirror: www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2008/09/05/elvis-presley-lookalike-tours-the-world-115875-20724221/

Daily Star

Daily Mail: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1052533/Elvis-lives--hes-world-tour-How-devoted-fan-took-Blue-Suede-Shoes-road.html

Also had a few people let me know that Crap Elvis made photo of the day in The London Lite, and was one of the Daily Mail's travel photos of the week. Very strange.

Finally, had a great chat on air with Stephen Rhodes on BBC radio, as well as the usual weekly catch up with Jeff Burzacott at 5AA down in Australia.

Think I'll have a lie down now.

"They tried to make me go to Sweden, but I said no...no...no"

2008-09-20T23:42:00.005+08:00

Well actually I said yes, as you know from the previous photos. And in fact, here's some more photographic evidence...

Typical Swedish country house (they all have a bad Elvis impersonator outside)

One of Stockholm's claims is "City of Museums" which would normally be as enticing to me as claiming that one of the members of Roxette lives there. Which of course they do, which would normally be as enticing to me as claiming that I might get a mild stomach bug. Which they don't, and I didn't. But the plus side of having approximately 70 museums, is security is fairly lax and the exhibits are easily infiltrated. Hooray for the City of Museums!

Juvenile Humour Corner...(because funny foreign words just never stop being funny)

This street isn't just good....it's Funcken Grand

I mostly enjoyed Patrick's Bar...

The suit came flatpacked - Crap Elvis in Sweden

2008-09-06T21:53:00.005+08:00

With the wig hastily assembled with an allen key, I arrived in Stockholm, Sweden last night. This morning the King returned to the palace to have a look at the changing of the guard...

Swedish pedestrian crossing. Stupid pedestrian not crossing.
At the Stureplan - Stockholm's most famous square...which is actually triangular.

Changing of the guard. Even more heavliy planned - the changing of the elvis suit without getting arrested.

The Swedish army attempted to thwart this photo with their mini Surface to Armpit missile launcher.

Swedish guard had just come from his part-time clowning job.

Crap Elvis sells out - merchandise now available

2008-08-29T22:33:00.001+08:00

Due to an abnormal deficiency of proper thinking, many people have asked me about a Crap Elvis t-shirt. Well to keep all the mental people at bay, I've teamed up with cafepress to produce some shameless merchandise. Find Crap Elvis t-shirts, mugs, bags and dog jackets at

www.cafepress.com/crapelvis or click any of the above items to see the full range.

And remember, the more you spend, the longer I'll be bothering people in other countries rather than yours. Reach for the credit card now!

Crappy Del Mar - Crap Elvis in Ibiza

2008-08-29T19:15:00.007+08:00

So with a longing for the quintessential Spanish experience of tapas, good wine, rich language, walks among the olive trees, I realised that it would all have to wait as I found myself on a cheap flight to the Spanish Balearic island of Ibiza instead.

Known as the party capital of the world, I tried to restrict myself to going out just a couple of times in my week there. Granted the first time was for 3 days, and the second for 4 days, but I only went out twice.

It's an island where I spent 6 months DJing a few years ago, so I wanted to see what it looked like during the day. Unfortunately combined with this visit's nights out, it just looked blurry. However, to convince myself that there is a daytime in Ibiza, I dragged myself down to the world famous Cafe Del Mar for sunset drinks. With an amazing blend of chill-out tunes providing the soundtrack to the sun dipping into the ocean, there is always a huge round of applause as the final red blob plops out of sight. But despite that cheer for another sunburnt Scotsman drowning, I think it was also for the sun finally setting.
How easily pleased are Ibizan tourists?!!! "Congratulations Sun you didn't resist the millions of years old set orbit of the Milky Way. For a moment there, we thought you might bounce back up"

The island is of course famous for Pacha, Amnesia, Privilege, Eden, and other members of the Geldof family. It's home to the world's biggest nightclub, holding 10000 people and including a giant swimming pool in the centre. Now when was the last time you thought "shall I have a drink, shall I have a dance, or should I perfect my backstroke?."

One of the other clubs also has an art gallery in it. I spent ages staring at a typical Picasso - a man with one eye bigger than the other, lopsided mouth, nose half way round its face. In fact it was at least half hour before I realised I was looking at the bouncer.

The staff washing machine at Amnesia leaked a lot...

A recent pole suggests Elvis is still alive...

Another employment opportunity blown...

Crap Elvis, Kerry and Bath (a saucy romp?...)

2008-08-19T21:43:00.006+08:00

Err...no...it's just some photos from the latest trips. A day trip to Bath in England. And a few days in Kerry, Ireland. And to add to the disappointment, I can't even be bothered scribbling any notes for them yet. In fact if you've got enough time to waste gazing at this site, you can at least waste a bit more time making your own captions up for now. Feel the love.

Roman Baths, Bath, UK.

Kerry, Ireland

The Irish were a lot more open-minded than I'd expected...

Couple of random bits...

2008-08-07T00:01:00.003+08:00

Have been hanging around the UK for a couple of weeks before flying to Ireland tomorrow. Haven't scraped any piccies of the camera yet, but have been sent these 2 morcels of crappy goodness...

Was wandering around the Millenium Dome/O2 Arena on the weekend where the Red Bull Air Race was happening nearby on the Thames. I've since realised that if I really want to experience a load of people gasping at planes backflipping and narrowly avoiding near disaster in midair, I'll just book a seat on Qantas.
I digress. Lots of free time fillers and interactive entertainment around the dome, so I exploited it of course and O2 sent me this:

Also, it's official. I've sold out. After a stunning photo session with id7.co.uk photographer Craig Judd, who runs the recently opened i-printroom studio in Poole, he has sent me this photo of a massive Crappy rolling off their printer, on route to their shop window.
To see the photo in all its glory click here

Le Crap: Crap Elvis in France

2008-08-06T22:58:00.003+08:00

OK, arrived in Paris to a fabulous 1 star hotel in the Montmartre area and was immediately shown up 5 flights of stairs to a little cupboard where I could store my bag. A few seconds later, after being given the key, I realised that it was also my bedroom. It wasn't the biggest room ever, in the same sense that China doesn't have the most beardless women's swim team ever.
Fortunately most of my time would be spent on the stairs though thanks to 19 Century French planning not allowing for an elevator, but definitely allowing for the bathroom/reception/anything else I might need to use, to be located on the 1st floor.

So if you are a regular here, you would have already seen the highlight of the Paris trip, which was getting chucked out of The Louvre (see post and photos below). Was it just a case of one enigmatic smile too many in the same gallery?

However, on my way across the gallery concourse with French security, I at least made my point that it is an absolute crime that I get thrown out for my choice of clothing, yet hordes of European tourists are freely walking around wearing socks with sandals. Put that on your baguette and eat it Monsieur Couldn't Get In The Police Force.

Fortunately there were plenty of other tourist photos to spoil so:

Hunch Crap of Notre Dame

Arche de Triomphe: Police are still looking for the person who put superglue on the lamp post.

Crap Eiffel Tower. I allowed tourists to climb right up to the wig for just 10 euros.

After a few days in Paris, it was onto Bordeaux for a few days. A city which is in the middle of a campaign to become European City of Culture 2013. Whilst on a guided walking tour, we were taken to Europe's biggest empty town square. Right then, that will get those arty types from across the continent dropping their pallettes and rushing to reserve a flight for 5 years time.

On Bordeaux's Miroir d'Eau (water mirror).

Sigourney Weaver starring in "Crap Elvis in The Mist"

I was fortunate enough to bump into French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Carla Bruni really has liberated him.

Get an Eiffel of this...Crap Elvis in Paris

2008-07-21T22:17:00.003+08:00

Paris: Breaking news....just got chucked out of the Louvre.

Apparently I shouldn't be doing whatever I'm doing in the photos below. More details later...

Crappacino - Crap Elvis in Italy

2008-07-21T21:57:00.007+08:00

As in most places I've been, I was going to take the P out of Italy. But then I realised I'd be left eating izza, asta, and visiting the leaning tower of isa.

Didn't stop me though, as soon as I saw this sign it was full steam ahead.

I asked (or askinged) the bar, and for 6euros you got Bill Gates, and for 8euros you got Nelson Mandela.

Anyway, first off a quick stop in Milan where I was refused access to any fashion catwalk, on the grounds that polyester isn't in this season.
Then it was off to Turin, where I would get a chance to see an ancient piece of history right before my eyes before it decays forever. Yes, I went there for one reason only - the Sex Pistols were headlining a free music festival. Fortunately Johnny Rotten had been carbon-dated before the gig and had been declared authentic (I think they found DNA traces of spit on him from 1977 which finally made experts believe it was the real thing).
As for that old piece of cloth they have in Turin - apparently some guy from a few hundred years ago faked it for a laugh. For the record, he was also the first ever guy to ask his kids to "pull my finger". Genius.

It was also in Turin that someone stupidly left a palace door open. It looked quite nice, so I popped in.

The stunning 10km mountain walk of Cinque Terra (Italian for sore feet..probably)

Tuscany - they really hate it when you ask them where the nearest 16 screen cinema multiplex and nightclub complex is.

Rule 1: Don't touch the 500 year old bells.

Rule 2: Don't fall down the well.

And they said Elvis never did country...

In Vinci. Birthplace of the painter. Hence the surname "Da Vinci", meaning "of Vinci". Hence his full name Barry Da Vinci. Barry's work isn't that well known, but another bloke's from the same town is.

Leaning Tower of Pisa:

Every tourist is legally obliged to take a hilarious "holding up the tower" photo. Unless you're the one actually taking the photo and can see the perspective through the viewfinder, the place actually looks like a bad mime convention with people propping up imaginary walls everywhere. Anyway, photos taken so was then allowed to move onto Paris where they know how to keep a good tower straight.

Crap Elvis in Amsterdam

2008-07-08T22:37:00.005+08:00

On an E in Amsterdam.

Well Amsterdam really didn't fail to live up to its expectations. I've realised why the city is so flat - it's because the Dutch are so laid back, they need a country that feels as much like a bed as possible.

Of course everyone knows the city's famous view on marajuana smoking - there's a few hundred "Coffee Shops" licensed to sell various varieties of the drug. And a couple of them also sell coffee.
What I didn't realise is that they'd taken a similar approach to magic mushrooms, whereby another strange naming committee has OKd the sale of shrooms from what they officially have to call "Smart Shops." Which explains why when I see cars that look about 2 inches long, and 2 inches wide, people tell me they're called Smart Cars. You can't tell me there's no connection.
Fortunately I was able to make quite a nice financial deal with a Smart Shop owner whereby he would sell a normal mushroom to a client, then 5 minutes later I would walk by dressed as Elvis, thereby convincing the client the hallucinations had just kicked in.

I was also there on a landmark first weekend of smoking being banned in bars, restaurants, clubs etc which was very interesting, and confusing. Rather than embrace the health initiative of the government, the crazy smoking frenzied Dutch (1 in 3 is a smoker) held smoking parties counting down to the second where they were no longer allowed to puff in that particular bar.
However, in an "only in Amsterdam" situation, it's only tobacco that has been banned from being smoked. Therefore if you light up a cigarette, you'll get yourself a nice fat fine, however if you light up a joint, you're safe. Yes, really. In fact Amsterdam has a team of smoking-ban enforcement officers ready to hand out fines, who, wait for it..........are smell trained to tell the difference. Now wouldn't that have been a fun day at the office, although I'm not sure much would have got done that afternoon.

Hang on....it gets better.
So smoking tobacco is banned in all public workplaces, shops, bars etc, which also includes the aforementioned Coffee Shops which now have "no tobacco smoking" signs on their doors. Are you seeing where this is going yet?! Yes that's right, if you try and smoke a joint with a bit of tobacco in it, you'll be asked to leave or given a fine. Only 100% marajuana is acceptable. Only in Amsterdam can you get legally penalized for trying to water down your drugs.

You can do anything, but lay off of my Yellow Oversized Clogs.

Crap Windmill.

Amsterdam is crawling with tourists.

Crapstonbury: Crap Elvis at Glastonbury

2008-07-08T22:30:00.009+08:00

If you were asked if you'd be interested in living in a tent for 4 days, with your neighbours 3 cms away, no showers, loud music surrounding you 24 hours a day, toilets that should be in an exhibition of 'how people lived 200 years ago', 90% chance of rain depsite it being Summer, 10% chance of your tent being washed away in a mudbath, and a 100% chance wellies will be the only footwear you'll need.....of course you'd be an absolute idiot to say yes.

Oh yeah, and it will cost you 160 quid. Certified nutter to say yes at that point.

However call it The Glastonbury Festival and chuck on a stupidly huge lineup of bands from all over the world....yes please.

A cutting edge, world beating lineup which included Shakin Stevens, Neil Diamond, The Proclaimers and James Blunt.

Hang on, let me try that again (despite the above being true). A cutting edge, world beating lineup which included among the 100s of acts: Kings of Leon, The Verve, Franz Ferdinand, Groove Armada, Mark Ronson, and Estelle. Everyone from A to (Jay) Z

Most offensive group name was hard-fought, with in my opinion, Holy F**k being edged out by the more creative F**k Knuckle and the Bastards.

Wearing a $30 Elvis suit made me one of the most normal looking people there, with others dressed as fairies, milk bottles, superheros, including multiple piercings, brandings, tattoos...and that was just the security guards.

Obviously wanting to be as green a festival as possible, organisers put together a "green police" to clamp down on people publicly weeing in bushes and trees and chucking litter on the ground.

But rather than use the fine system as the normal world would, in the land of Glastonbury, once the Green Police spot someone having a cheeky open-air toilet session, they all gather round and blow whistles and jeer and generally draw attention to that person. Seems to work. Now if only more governments would take that approach, the world would be a much stupider place (but probably just as polluted).

Well, after huge controversy on Jay Z playing Glastonbury (some people couldn't handle the fact of a hip hop artist headlining), he tore the place apart with a storming set using a live band and a sackload of rock samples as backing for some of his classic rhymes. In fact the only other person who pulled even fewer punches was Amy Winehouse, who ended up right-hooking a fan who she thought had grabbed her beehive (and if you've ever been grabbed by the beehive, you know how nasty that is).

Amongst the crowd at The Pyramid Stage (look carefully!)

Oh look, I'm waving in this shot too.

The most normal man there.

I had reservations about this photo.

Flagtopia they call it. Clever.

Sometimes you've just got to stop and smell the painted wooden flowers.

In a panic. It's not raining today. Not prepared for that outcome.

Just before I got mistaken for Jamie Oliver.

For more Glastonbury freaks, check the photo gallery link below from the NME website. I thought I'd seen people wearing everything but the kitchen sink....and then during Amy Winehouse's set, a guy walked past with one on his head. At that point, you just have to realise that it's not ridiculous. It's just another day at Glastonbury.

http://www.nme.com/festivals/glastonbury/photos/483/glastonbury-2008-freaks-and-the-bizarre

Crap Elvis waltzes into Vienna, Austria

2008-07-07T23:06:00.009+08:00

Well the Euro 2008 football finals beckoned, and the suit couldn't resist the temptation, so off we went for a few days of Austrian air (mainly filled with beer and hot dog fumes).

And the Austrians played the perfect hosts - from the bus to the bar to the metro, Viennese citizens would randomly pounce and almost beg for you to have a problem they could sort out. Map in hand - "let me help with directions". Phrasebook in hand - "let me translate for you". Empty glass in hand - "let me charge you another $50 for another offical beer of the tournament".

In fact the very first guy who offered to help with directions became even more friendly when he realised I was from Australia. His reason being "we love Australia because it sounds very similar to Austria". Now if only someone could explain that to Iran and Iraq.

So the Austrian diet seemed to mainly consist of beer and sausages. Somehow, this food stall's ad failed to win over my hunger pains though.

Austrian authorities in another bid to please tourists were kind enough to provide a place to practice your graffiti before ruining the city's walls with incorrect spelling.

"...and zis time, I vill not varm ze hands up first"
The friendly Austrian Polizei request me to put my hands behind my back. In a counter offer, I request them to put their Hans behind my back.

At Wiener Prater - the world's oldest theme park. This ride not recommended for children.
Shortly after that shot, he asked me if I'd like to go and see some puppies.

Vienna Metro escalator - Another day, another person freaked out.

Fortunately I wasn't the only one to look stupid wearing red and white. Hello Austrian fans.

Schonbrun Palace: A palace fit for a King

"Thankyou, I'll be here all week. Try the schniztel"

Wearing my amazing new hover shoe.

Schonbrun Palace Maze: Half an hour of my life I can't get back

Crap Elvis is OK in the UK

2008-06-15T00:17:00.005+08:00

A quick photo blast for you since arriving in the UK a few days ago. No time for details so make your own captions up for now! Heading to Austria tomorrow for Euro 08 football action.

The US authorities had obviously called ahead and alerted the UK that I may be carrying a WMD (wig of mass distraction).

Crap Elvis in New York - The Big Crapple

2008-06-14T23:58:00.008+08:00

Well it all started off fairly normally (ie get to prime tourist spot wearing dodgy Elvis suit and bad wig) and the regulation photo was taken. Although no-one else seemed to appreciate the irony of the American authorities having now taken away the right to go up something called the Statue of Liberty.

..but then having weaved in and out of traffic at Times Square, my theory that I may be a "person of interest" (I was strangely singled out for the random check during each trip through customs - and you try finding a believable excuse for wearing this outfit. "Sorry officer, it's the only thing I had clean in the wardrobe") was strengthened with this interesting turn of events.

A man who likes to take his clothes off in public...and the Naked Cowboy.

Beer and baseball at Yankee stadium. I couldn't be living the American dream more if I was shooting someone in self defense, saying "have a nice day", holding a 3 quarter pounder burger, and placing a vote in Florida that wouldn't be counted.

Whilst riding the Subway, someone looked at me and then offered me the disabled seat.

Let's play Spot The Tourist

Crap Elvis goes to Vegas and a big hole

2008-06-14T23:31:00.003+08:00

They say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". I stayed in Vegas, but I'm not sure if I happened. I'm so confused.

Yes, I gambled. A total of $7 and walked away with $11. I took on the casinos and beat them. I'm bringing down the house. They must have been on to me, coz they didn't comp me. Fortunately I got out before they dragged me off to the little unmarked room at the back.

How embarrasing - they both went out that night in the same dress...

It's a canyon, and it's grand. Up to that point I'd always been told that Adelaide was the biggest hole in the world.

Moments after the photo I threw him over the edge.

Crappy goes to Hollywood - Crap Elvis in LA

2008-06-14T19:54:00.006+08:00

It was only a matter of time...

After finally finishing a few weeks in Mexico it was onto LA -out with the tacos, in with the tacky.
Finally somewhere I wouldn't look out of place. And the celebrity scene didn't disappoint with a sighting of Aussie movie star Guy Pearce just 2 hours after arriving (was in the queue behind him at The Roxy to see Russell Brand), and also singer kd lang and actor John Stamos popping up elsewhere - although originally I mistook kd lang for John Stamos, and John Stamos for kd Lang. I'm sure that happens all the time.

Outside Graumans Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, where lots of amazing lookalikes hang out. Apparently I wasn't seen as a threat.

Best thing I heard whilst hanging out outside the theatre was "That Elvis looks nothing like him, they're so much better in Vegas." I didn't feel the need to spoil their disappointment with an explanation.

Ooh, itchy wig.

Spent a couple of days in the gym to help the local team out.

Also spent some time in Sequoia National Park, home of the world's largest tree. The one below is called "The President." Although surely it would make more sense if "The President" was a bush.

Trees are evil, they make people do bad things.

Crap Elvis gets to the point in Mexico (of another bloody pyramid)

2008-06-12T02:32:00.006+08:00

OK, actually playing catch-up on the blog at the mo as have just arrived in the UK. But still have a few unaccounted weeks to post up here. So here's more from Mexico, then will try and whack the stuff from the US up in the next couple of days...please pretend you care.

Pssst...wanna buy a pyramid?

Well, I thought I'd seen the one "if you only see one historical site in Mexico, you must see this" historical site in Mexico, but by the time I got to the ancient city of Teotihuacan, it was already my third. However, people trying to justify me having to see it, kept pointing out that this one was built by the Aztecs as opposed to the Mayans. Well try explaining that to Arthur Ramsbottom, world spot-the-difference champion, who is still stumped. They're big, they're amazing, they look the same. Show me one built by the ancient Ikea-ans put together from a stadium sized flat pack with an allen key, and then I'll start getting interested.

One of the highlights of this day out was seeing the huge number of souvenir hawkers at the bases of the pyramids selling huge amounts of various pyramid keyrings, snowdomes (???), letter openers etc to archaeology buffs. After all, nothing captures the memory of these giant ancient monuments of history more than a 2 inch pyramid shaped plastic fridge magnet made in China.
Obviously I wasn't able to support the hawkers income, as pyramid marketing is illegal where I come from.

A few other random photos from around Mexico City:

Mexican taxi drivers still clinging onto their bid for the next Herbie movie to be made in the capital. Plus who needs flashy extras like air-conditioning, electric windows, and fully functioning brakes anyway?

A native Mexican healer practising his ancient art. I wish someone would have told me that before I asked for an autograph from what I thought was a member of Village People down on his luck. How awkward.

It was also in Mexico City I found that if the Crap Elvis thing ever falls in a heap, Crap Mexican Wrestler is easily attainable ("around the world in a 70 peso mask").

Some people claim the Lucha Libre (Mexican wrestling) is just a scripted show, but on the night we were there, there was an unexplained midget in a blue monkey outfit in one of the corners. Now why would any writer think that might be funny?!

With this video, you can be the judge. It's a clip I found on Youtube of a tribute to the above wrestling midget legend called Que Monito.

Crap Elvis in ruins. (and other Mexican places of interest)

2008-05-13T23:37:00.004+08:00

Somewhere on a Carribean beach in Mexico...

After leaving Miami, which seemed to be full of partying Americans on holiday, it was on to Cancun (Mexico), which seemed to be full of partying Americans on holiday.
So wanting to blend in (as much as a man in a ridiculously bad Elvis suit can), one night was spent in one of the wildest nightclubs in the world - Cocobongo.
You know it´s been a good night when a midget dressed as Beetlejuice flying above the dance floor is one of the more normal happenings of the night.

Midget and regular size Beetlejuices and a schoolmistress above our heads at Cocobongo.
Lots of people off their heads below them.

I have to admit that before I got to Mexico, I had a cliched image of eating tacos and drinking Corona every day. So far I´ve eaten tacos and drunk Coronas every day. In fact I now realise that the word coronary is obviously derived from said drink and should really be pronounced corona-ry.
However in a bid to eat something different one evening, I asked for the specialty dish, and was told it was 'tortoise'. I was shocked (shellshocked?), as they are a protected species where I come from, but I thought I'd stick my neck out and try it anyway. I have to admit feeling a bit disappointed when I was served normal meat in a roll. Apparently I was eating 'tortas' and not 'tortoise'. Easy mistake to make.

I'd been told I had to see the ancient Maya ruins of Chichen Itza while in Mexico, so I did. And guess what? I arrived to find out they were another one of the New 7 Wonders Of The World. That's 3 of the 7 I've already seen on this trip (giant Jesus in Rio, Machu Picchu in Peru) without even trying. How easy is it to get on that list? I reckon they just ask you if your place/thing is wonderful, and if you say yes, they ask you 'how wonderful?', and then if you say 'very', you're in.

This pyramid dates back to 800AD (around the time the Rolling Stones released their first record), and is actually a stone representation of the Mayan calender. I don't think they sold as many of these at Christmas as the ones with the photos of cats in hilarious situations.

Mexico accommodation. Lucky I went for the deluxe room then.

Somewhere on a rooftop in Mexico.

C.R.A.P in the U.S.A - hurricanes no longer the worst thing to hit Florida

2008-05-09T08:25:00.011+08:00

When the travel agent said that to fly to Cancun (Mexico) from Lima (Peru) it would have to be via Miami, I thought it would be rude not to stop there for a week. And you know I hate to be rude.

First stop: South Beach, Miami

Having just come out of the Peruvian wilderness, this was a bigger culture shock than the day Victoria Beckham found out that "Cook Islands" is a place and not an extravagant recipe instruction.
Enough of the biggest, flashiest, sportiest, gas guzzling cars to give Al Gore 'An Inconvenient Heart Attack.' In fact they don´t have a ring road there, they have a bling road.
I think you get the point. But I loved it!

But it was strange that just an hour down the road, you could leave it all behind and jump in a park bench with a giant hairdryer on the back and cruise the Everglades looking for alligators. Every so often the driver would nonchalantly point one out just a couple of metres from the boat, so close that you could almost count the 80 sharp teeth staring up at you (which is approximately 79 more than what most of the local humans seemed to have).

"Houston...we have a problem"...

So then it was onto NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Orlando, where despite the thorough screening, bag searching, background check of your last 18 meals eaten etc, $29.95 worth of limp off-white polyester jumpsuit still made it through security. Their top scientists are still baffled as to how much sweat it can retain.

"Is that a 300 foot space rocket in your hangar or are you just pleased to see me?"

Actually I was thinking of putting fatter exhausts on it, having it lowered and installing a decent soundsystem, and taking it back down to South Beach, Miami for a few laps of the strip. That'll shut 'em up.

And of course no trip to Orlando is complete without a visit to Disneyworld...so I went to Universal Studios instead.

I bet those guys feels self-conscious in those ridiculous suits.

Crap Elvis and the search for Machu Picchu, Peru

2008-05-02T08:33:00.008+08:00

So the train could have got me from Cusco to Machu Picchu in a few hours.
The trek was going to take 1 day mountain biking and 3 days of walking to get to the same place.
Altitude can make you decide stupid things. So a 4 day jungle/inca trail trek it was then.

Now some people think you should wear proper "hiking boots" on treks like this, but wanting to feel every little rock piercing my foot, blisters, and the thrill of not knowing if the grip would keep me from slipping off ridiculously high mountain paths...I decided my $30 trainers would be just right for the job

The King of Coca - walking through coca leave plantations.

Heading along an old Inca Trail.

Whilst gripping any semblance of something stable growing out of the mountain side of the trail, we carefully made every step along the stupidly thin track. The phrase "I'm an Inca, not a thinker" sprang to mind. The Incas could have just made a path along the river a few hundred metres below, but oh no, their god was a sun god, and as such they wanted to make the trail as close to him as possible. Couldn't they have just done what fellow sun-worshippers the Germans do, and just get up early and pop a beach towel down beside the pool before breakfast.

View from the Inca Trail. Including Norweigan stunt leg.

"Good evening rural Peru...are you ready to rockkkkkkkkkkkk?"

River crossings - Peruvian style. Why bother with bridges when an orange box on a piece of rope can quite dangerously do the same job.

Day 4 6,30am: Finally made it. Dawn just breaking at Machu Picchu.
However shortly after photos were taken, I was ordered to remove the suit as it was against the rules. I guess over the years they finally had enough of people in Elvis suits appearing and decided to take a stand. Fortunately I've spared you the photos of me wandering round afterwards in my underwear.

With the rest of the trek group - wow, don't they all look overdressed?!

And for obvious reasons, it's also another one of the New Seven Wonders Of The World. (Machu Picchu, not the crap Elvis suit...although there is a petition up and running).

I bet they caught the train - they've got that smug look on their face.

Crap Elvis in Peru - islands that shouldn't be there and food that shouldn't be eaten

2008-05-02T08:04:00.002+08:00

I know what you're thinking - the perfect guinea pig would be served medium rare.

A few days spent at one of the best place names to ever be uttered by a geography teacher - Lake Titicaca. No, really, it's still funny.
Photos below are of the manmade floating islands of Uros in the Peruvian part of the Lake (it's massive, and is partly in Peru, partly in Bolivia).
A rare photo showing me not wearing the full white Crap Elvis suit...but fortunately the local kid had his on.
Oh yeah, and that's not a banana on my head.

The islands are made of reeds as are everything else on the island (although reed microwave ovens never really caught on). The top covering of reeds on the island has to be replaced every 15 days, as the bottom layer disintegrates. For that reason, houses like the one below are designed to be lifted up - really handy if you have an argument with your neighbour. Just pick it up and move it somewhere else.

Crap Elvis in La Paz, Bolivia

2008-04-28T10:46:00.002+08:00

Originally nervous about arriving as people kept warning us that if our bags were going to be stolen anywhere, it would be La Paz.
They were wrong...one of our bags actually got nicked at the bus station waiting to get to La Paz.
So there!

Anyway, loved it.
Where else can you buy a dead llama foetus to bury under your porch?
Where else does your rail trip get cancelled because someone has stolen some of the tracks?
Where else does someone looking very dodgy come up to you, open his jacket, pull out an old rock, and say "psst, wanna buy a fossil?" ?
OK, granted Manchester, UK may be the answer to a couple of those, but only La Paz can proudly say "here" to all of those.

What?...as if you've never seen a man in a bad elvis suit getting a shoeshine before...

Sod corruption, poverty, and the drug problem...taxpayers money in La Paz is far better spent on employing people dressed as zebras to help the corrupt/poor/drugged-up cross the road at zebra crossings. With such a literal approach at road crossings, I was extremely concerned at what might happen when the green man starts flashing.

Determined to seek out some culture. Unfortunately the bloke with the big stone head was no help at all.

Crap Elvis does The Death Road - it´s unboliviable!

2008-04-12T03:14:00.005+08:00

So initially I was hesitant about doing a 65km downhill bike ride on The Death Road near La Paz in Bolivia. However my search for The Slightly Bruised Knee Road or anything else that sounded a bit less life-ending failed to turn up any other options.

They call it "the world´s most dangerous road"...because it is. Approx 300 deaths a year on it until a new safer bypass was opened a couple of years back taking most cars/trucks off it.

First 30kms are on tarmac before it becomes the actual Death Road, and then to make things interesting it becomes 35kms of loose rock and gravel with 500m drops off the side. Starting at around 4600m above sea level, you gasp for air before descending approx 3600m of earpopping, constant-braking, vertigo-inducing madness. And just to make it educational, your guide constantly stops you to point out another place where anywhere from 1 to 100 people plunged to their death. Then you check your brakes again...and again...and again...and then continue downhill.

One of our "support" vehicles carefully making it´s way down ahead of us. "Support" as in "we´ll notify your next of kin if we see what happened"

Breathtakingly gorgeous. Nice scenery too.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Oops, I think I just dropped my keys.

Are we nearly there yet?

Running uphill at 4000m above sea level. Don´t try this at home. Patient now doing fine.

Crap Elvis in the Bolivian jungle

2008-04-08T05:09:00.005+08:00

Well, the thin air of La Paz (3600m above sea level) is still providing a good enough excuse not to think of lots of words to write, so again, mostly pics until my head clears enough for proper accompanying words and vids. (wordy bits have now been added to the Buenos Aires post though somewhere below)

Anyway, here we go, stuff from a 3 day trip into the Bolivian jungle. One day we looked for anacondas in the morning and went piranha fishing in the afternoon, which made a nice change.

So it took a 40 minute flight from La Paz by Amaszonas airlines (¨now capable of 19 passengers each flight¨ the ads boast!) to nearest jungle village where obviously jungle fever has set in on a few long term residents. This is the local mobile baker.

then 3 hour trip in 4wd....with added stuck in the mud in the middle of nowhere experience...

then 3 hour boat ride in wooden canoe type thing...

to finally get us to our ecolodge (fancy way of saying dodgy huts on stilts with no running water or electricity)

Oh look, there´s an alligator outside our toilet. It didn´t rate a warning when we arrived so it was a nice surprise.

Shout out to the jungle crew...

Oh look, there´s an alligator outside next to our living room...

Waking up early for sunrise boat ride.

Worth it.

ooh look, today he´s outside our kitchen...and if he´s quick enough he gets the scraps the piranhas aren´t quick enough for.

Crap Elvis storms the Bolivian border

2008-04-08T04:24:00.004+08:00

A 3 day amazing/nightmare trip from San Pedro, Chile across the Bolivian border into the Bolivian desert and Uyuni salt flats (world´s biggest).

Full words and vids to follow soon...only photos for now (and strange ones at that)

Bolivian border immigration and customs. Full cavity search on request.

With some Bolivian amigos.

I hope the 4.15 to Chile is late.

¨Fish Island¨in the middle of Uyuni´s salt flats. No fish.

Mini Crap Elvis in the Salt Flats

Crap Elvis with mini friends.

French Crap Elvis: The first person ever to ask to wear the sacred $30 suit. Aubert from France. (see, they do have a sense of humour).

Crap Elvis in northern Chile

2008-04-08T04:05:00.005+08:00

On the Pachamama bus trip thru northern Chile (www.pachamamabybus.com).

Words and vids to follow soon. Photos only for now..

In the Atacama desert, Chile. Ooh look, more sand.

Salt flats in the Atacama desert, Chile. Ooh look, more salt.

Where trains go to die in the desert.

A giant hand in the middle of the desert. It would look silly anywhere else.

San Pedro salt flats, Chile. More salt than you can poke a stick at. Unless it was a really long and wide stick.

Crap Elvis in Southern Chile

2008-04-08T03:51:00.004+08:00

So back to Chile after a brief visit at the start of our trip to Easter Island (no eggs, just statues).
We'd been recommended a backpackers bus (www.pachamamabybus.com) which has 2 routes out of Santigao - one around the south of Chile, and one around the north which diverts off the normal roads to take in any strange/interesting sights.

The south included a stop at one of the best surf spots in Chile - Pichelimu. I had a great session but was surprised at how cold the water was (first time I'd seen a penguin wearing a jumper). We also went to Pucon where we didn't climb the (still active) Villarica volcano, twice. Having been fitted with all the gear (ice pick, crampons etc) the night we arrived, the next 2 mornings the climb got called off because of the weather. Despite it being a notoriously tough climb, fortunately I know in my head that I would have done it easily and would have been the quickest and bestest in our group, so it didn't really matter.

Another 2 volcanoes in Southern Chile that I didn´t climb.

After returning to Santiago, I managed to catch a really important football match between Chile's biggest team Colo Colo and Argentina's biggest team Boca Juniors (see videos in previous post) at L'estadio Monumental. It was a lot more mental than monu. More of a survival course than a football match. It was also in a very dodgy suburb and I'd caught the subway to it. However when it finished, I found the trains had stopped so I tried to ask a riot policeman how I could get back to the city centre. He asked me where I was from, and when I told him Australia, he told me to ride a Kangaroo back. I told him there was no need to be rude to someone from a different culture who had come a long way physically and mentally to be at that game, and that he could shove his baton up his Chilean arse.

Oh hang on...no I didn't...I just laughed nervously as if it was really funny and walked off and got a taxi because he had a machine gun and lots of other big policeman friends in full battle gear laughing at me

Silly me, I only smuggled in green fireworks.

Crap Elvis finds religion...hilarious (and other videos!)

2008-03-31T05:32:00.006+08:00

Well have been extremely crap at updates recently, but just letting you know that have just made it across the Chilean/Bolivian border in a 25 year old 4WD, hacking thru the desert for 3 days. All a bit silly, and came down heavy with altitude sickness (slept at 5000m the other night but now at a comfortable 3600m above sea level). All details later when we get back to civilisation proper - currently in a llama powered net cafe.

But as promised, here´s the video from the amazing(ridiculous) Tierra Santa in Buenos Aires, Argentina. It´s the worlds first religious theme park. Nuff said.

Also, found someone else´s clip on youtube of a football game that I went to in Santiago, Chile. Probably the craziest crowd I´ve ever been in. Police in riot gear everywhere, 8 police escorted the ref onto and off the pitch, more police with shields protected any away player that had to take a corner. The clip starts fairly normally (wild chanting) then gets interesting about a minute in(for interesting see DANGEROUS) . I´m amongst the bit that looks like its on fire.
Unfortunately I´d left my fireworks at the hostel, so didn´t really feel like a local.
For the record, the hometeam Colo Colo won, beating Argentina´s best team Boca 2-0.

...and a quick phone vid clip from a bloke standing next to me at the game...

Check in again soon!

Crap Elvis in Argentina - from dentist to death

2008-03-17T08:29:00.017+09:00

Well, I guess the welcome to Buenos Aires could have been a little better - having jumped in a cab at the airport, the driver proceded to scream down the freeway towards the city at a pace suggesting his wife was having a baby and his house was on fire at the same time. Unfortunately at it's last service (which by the condition of the cab looked like was somewhere around 1969), mechanics must have failed to check the bonnet securing mechanism as it suddenly flipped up, smashed the windscreen and blocked any view of the middle lane we were in. Just a bit scary. Nevermind, we veered across the other lanes to the side of the road, screeched to a halt, and then the driver got out, flipped it back down and then bashed it a lot to hold it in place. 30 seconds later we were screaming towards the city again, and I was screaming internally until we arrived.

Then there was a flood in the area where we stayed, and a tornado hit the nearby river.

Then I had to find a dentist as my face felt like someone was sticking a screwdriver in it constantly. Having clarified it wasn't the cab driver actually sticking a screwdriver in it constantly in another quick fix situation, the dentist started root canal surgery straight away. 4 days of dentist visits later I was back to normal and quite disappointed not to be visiting the sister/brother team of Marisol and Gustavo again (it was the first time ever my dentist has given me a kiss each time I arrive!) If you want some stupidly cheap, but amazingly good dentisty done contact them at http://www.dental-argentina.com/

If you're in the UK, USA or Canada I think they have a freephone number to contact them. You can pay for your flights, hotel and dental work for the price of just the dental work back home. Smash your teeth now and get over there.

Can't avoid the Tango

Checking out the local music scene - if you ain't got a squeezebox, get off the street.

So the rest of the 2 weeks spent in Buenos Aires was just hanging around, enjoying the place really. It felt like a European city, except you don't have to mortgage your house to buy a cup of coffee. And if you eat meat, it's heaven. Cheap and really tasty steaks every night. And if you don't eat meat, you're probably too weak to turn on a computer and read this anyway.Took a while to get used to the fact that if you have dinner before 11pm, you're a bit strange. Off to the pub around 1am, then hit a club after 3am, because of course no-one will be there before then. The weekend pretty much starts on Tuesday, and I think that normal working "portenos" (Buenos Aires people) have some sort of time-shifting ability because they obviously get up for work about 2 hours before they've arrived back in from the night. Maybe

The day I nearly died: during a tour of La Bombonera stadium (home of the legendary Boca Juniors - Maradona's team), I whipped out the suit, completely forgetting it was the exact colours of their arch rivals River Plate. Oops!

Fortunately I didn't make the same mistake when I went to this "clasico" local derby between Boca and Independiente undercover in plain clothes. 60000 people went abosolutely loco.

Crap Elvis and Crap Maradona on the streets of Camonito, Boca

Another thing I loved about BA is the dog walkers. There are so many dog owners in BA, that a professional dog walker will take up to 15 dogs out at a time, so the owner will never have to deal with the whole dog-owning experience. But of course with so many dogs in a city without much grass, that means a lot of mess on the pavements. This is where I reckon Argentinians get their amazing dancing ability, as a walk anywhere in the city will involve shimmying and sidestepping your way around the steaming piles. Trust me, it's an art.

So many bums to sniff, so little time.

Now for the big one - you may have been to many of the world's biggest theme parks, but have you been to Tierra Santa - the world's first relgious theme park? Complete with anamatronic "Last Supper", please please please check back here soon to see the video of a 18 metre high plastic Jesus resurrecting by popping out of a fibreglass mountain ONCE AN HOUR!!!

Also, no trip to Buenos Aires is complete without checking out Recoleta Cemetery where Evita is buried in one of the stupidly extravagent death huts (probably not the official term). Up until this point, I didn't know it was possible to get thrown out of a cemetery.

Evita's grave.

In a pensive mood in our street corner guesthouse

Crap Elvis saves in Rio

2008-03-05T22:38:00.020+09:00

Woohoo...finally a few words to go with the piccies, and a bit of video at the end of the post....

Crap Elvis - The Redeemer

So it was a photo that had to happen. And barring a few healthy discussions (and threats to forever burn in hell etc) here I am at Christ the Redeemer in Rio De Janeiro. Recently voted one of the world's new 7 wonders, closely behind "cheese on a stick" and the popularity of David Hasselhoff (OK, I may have guessed those last two), it really is an amazing sight from all around the city. At night I like to think that rocket burners light up underneath, and he takes off and flies around the city...but nobody in Rio could confirm this.

Here I am in Lapa, Rio De Janeiro with an artist called Selaron (or maybe a moustache called Selaron with a man attached) who is devoting his life to making these stairs a living work of art. He tiled them all, but continuously adds more tiles either with his own artwork on or sent in from all over the world. Every bit of art he now produces, whether for the stairs or not, features a pregnant woman due to something that happened in his past. So far that is over 30000 paintings. He could have quite a long chat to Dr Phil. He says "THIS CRAZY AND UNIQUE DREAM WILL ONLY END ON THE DAY OF MY DEATH'."
I also confirmed with him that he's not rushing it, and he's just taking it one step at a time. Sorry.
(find out more on Selaron and send him a tile from your country - info here www.selaron.net )

A fine debut performance in goal at Copacabana Beach

A Rio night boatcruise - it's all very funny until someone loses a Crap Elvis overboard and a 7 year old drives the boat.

Rio was a great stop, and also included a couple of trips where I heeded the advice to not unleash Crap Elvis. This included an amazing game of football at Maracana Stadium with 90000 fans between Flamengo and Botafogo. Both big Brazilian teams and both from Rio, it was the final of a local competition with Flamengo winning and becoming "Bi-campeon" as they also won last year. I was told that if I went in costume someone may decide i'm wearing the wrong colours and pin me down and shove a firework up my bottom. Wasn't overly keen on that (not on a sunday afternoon anyway). It was everything I'd imagined though - drums, chanting, flares being let off, huge insults, lots of stuff being thrown everywhere...and that was just on the bus getting there.

Also did a tour of Latin America's biggest Favela, Rocinha. Favelas are the slum areas which are usually controlled by drug gangs. This one is home to 200000 people, and only on very rare occasions will the police enter them, and then only heavily armed. My first interaction with anyone there was someone shouting out "Hey gringo motherfucker!", but I was assured that it was just friendly banter. However when your guide tells you "no photos" at a certain point, and then you turn a corner and see a kid with a walkie talkie and a huge gun (looking out for police), you realise the non-suit-wearing advice was right. An amazing tour, where despite the obvious poverty, you meet some really happy fun people who enjoy meeting you, and also the tour donates money to various projects within the favela. If you're ever in Rio, contact Marcelo at www.bealocal.com

At Rocinha Favela - why pay for electricity when you can steal it as easy as this

Rio - yes it is quite nice isn't it?!

Crap Elvis in Brazil video:

Couple of video clips from recent countries

2008-02-19T02:37:00.002+09:00

OK - in Rio now. No long drawn out ramblings here (yet!!!!)...just managed to upload the Paraguay video which wouldn´t work before, so here it is:

Also, although it´s on youtube, Jason emailed me to tell me I hadn´t popped the Parkes Elvis Festival lookalike competition video up on the blog yet. So even tho a distant dodgy memory, here it is!...

OK, gotta go...I´ve got a very obvious photo to take in front of the stupidly big Jesus here. Post it soon of course!

Crap Elvis in Brazil - we partied, we got pickpocketed, we were popcorn...

2008-02-16T01:29:00.010+09:00

(and I found Osama)

Well, still no decent net connection so will probably have to wait til I get to Rio to upload the videos from Paraguay and Brazil, but thought I should at least let you know what's been going on lately.

Salvador carnaval was MENTAL! 6 days of huge processions of massive trucks filled with bands and headblowingly loud soundsystems that the army would be proud to use as a weapon, and thousands of people following them dancing from around 2pm til 5am each day. If you wanted to officially follow one of these "blocos" you could pay up to a few hundred dollars to be inside the roped area which extends a couple of hundred metres before and after the truck. But 3cms on the other side of the rope, you could forego luxuries like security and safety and follow them anyway for bugger all, which was great for skanky budget travellers like ourselves. Our kind of tightfisted leeches are known as "pipoca" which is portuguese for "popcorn" - quite an apt term really seeing as I found myself stuck in various peoples cleavages from time to time.

(someone else's expensive view)

Of course wearing a crap Elvis suit pinned me as "not from these parts", but probably no more than the fact that I was a white European man in his 30s trying to samba amongst 3 million Brazilians, who have been dancing since they were a foetus.

(our cheap view...fatboy slim approaching)

Aside the amazing typical Brazilian carnaval bands and music, there were a couple of other massive electronica blocos - one featuring superstar DJ Tiesto from Holland, and Englands finest Fatboy Slim (joined by David Guetta). These both attracted enormous crowds following them as they whizzed along at a breathtaking 1km per hour. It was having lost all sensation of my body, and then regaining it after a particularly tightly squeezed crowd section that I realised I'd been pickpocketed. Fortunately in that unsafe pocket I only had a few dollars and my pocketbook of Paris Hilton's Meaning of Life...so nothing of value.

The other main feature of Carnaval is drinking. Back in Australia you can arrested for drinking in the street. In Salvador, I'm sure I saw someone getting arrested for not drinking in the street. The streets are packed with people walking around trying to sell you beer for a dollar, and who am I to appear rude enough to turn them away.

I have to ask you this though - is it wrong to buy beer from a 7 year old? Of course I did, but I'm really not sure he'd completed his "responsible alcohol servers" course - especially since I was upside down half way up a lampost with no shirt on, wearing a "spongebob squarepants" hat on my head while I ordered it. He certainly didn't ask for ID.

Needless to say, after Carnaval we needed rest...and a lot of it...so we spent around 12 hours on various buses heading down the coast to a tiny little surfy town called Itacare. A few days of lazing around in hammocks, chilling on beautiful beaches, surfing and listening to heaps of reggae bands did the trick. Well, at least until a street seller sold me some meat on a stick followed by cheese on a stick, which has now seen me into my 3rd day of my hourly tour of local public toilets of Arraial D'Ajuda (where we've been for the last few days). There's a lesson to be learnt there - too much reggae makes you ill.

Anyway, gotta pack for the 18 hour bus trip to Rio now. My girlfriend's going to hate "I spy" by the end of that one.

Thanks for all the email -keep it coming crapelvis@gmail.com

Also if you're on facebook, a friend of mine has set up a Crap Elvis Fan Club group here
Already at a pathetic 50 members, please feel free to join and contribute to its crappiness!

Crap Elvis goes Carnaval crazy in Salvador, Brazil

2008-02-04T22:56:00.000+09:00

Just checking in quickly with a couple of piccys.

Here I am with some of the ¨Sons of Gandhi¨ - there´s actually about 5000 of them that parade in the Carnaval promoting peace and love.

Some people will wear any silly costume.

more info on them at http://www.filhosdegandhy.com.br/

Where´s Elvis?

Crap Elvis says bye bye Paraguay...hellllllllllllo Brazil

2008-02-03T01:41:00.001+09:00

Well, currently in Salvador, Brazil for the world's biggest carnaval, but thought I better recap on the week just spent in South America's most corrupt country - Paraguay. A forced stop due to having to attend a wedding there, and one that was really quite crap for Crap-Elvising around.

Things I learnt in Paraguay:

No matter how much you persist, your girlfriend will never let you attend her brother's wedding dressed in a crap Elvis suit.

Men with big guns on almost every street corner prevent you from mucking around in a crap Elvis suit...even just a little bit.

Potholes in 18th centuryish suburban roads can be filled adequately with mangoes. (If London cockneys ever adopted this revolutionary renovation technique, they really could be going down the "apples and pears").

There is no such sport as Paraguay-ding. And no matter how funny the joke is in your head, trying to translate the explanation leaves everyone confused.

If you are jobless and tired with washing windscreens for loose change at traffic lights, simply do handstands, cartwheels, headstands and other acrobatics in front of the waiting cars instead. (Cirque de Soleil employees take note if you ever get made redundant).

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All that said, it was a great experience being there, and again the people were very welcoming. I think they were amazed that people wanted to come to their country rather than leave it. Apart from just hanging around, we took a 2 day trip across the Brazilian border and then across the Argentinian border to Iguazu Falls - some of the most amazing waterfalls in the world, which border those 3 countries. The little Crap Elvis opportunities there were in Paraguay happened on that trip, so you'll find a bit of video just below here from there

Oh yeah, I also met a man who stole $6million from the Paraguayan government. He was an ex-politician. However, he used $1million of it to bribe judges, police and other officials to make the charges go away. So that was nice.

Anyway, as i feel a little bad for the lack of Crap Elvisness, I thought I'd share one of my favourite memories from Paraguay. The ad for one of their mobile phone companies. Brilliant! However, if you have any idea what it's all about, please email me.

Also, I was very concerned on my flight to Paraguay when I saw this sign on the back of the seat in front of me. I couldn´t sleep for the whole flight worrying about the live vest under my seat. Twice it grabbed me by the ankles and tried to pull me under, but fortunately I managed to wrestle free. Nasty.

Crap Elvis on Easter Island: A very strange land

2008-01-23T03:23:00.000+09:00

Actually in Paraguay now for reasons I´ll explain another time. Suffice to say that the only English speaking person we met when we arrived at the airport, was a United Nations worker here to help clear up chemicals, who just looked at us and said incredulously ¨What are you doing here?¨.

Anyway...just had an amazing few days on one of the world's most remote inhabited islands - Rapa Nui (Easter Island). Hooked up with heaps of great people from all over the world, and shared rented cars to see the tiny island. It doesn't take long to realise how different life is when you're cut off from civilisation - it may be the wild horses running down the main street (or tied up outside the island's nightclub/shed), it may be the dead dog outside the accommodation (when I complained about the smell, they assured me, they would sort it out. They did - a pile of sand now covers the dog...and the smell). Or maybe I realised when I went to rent a car and asked if insurance was included. I was told "we don't have insurance on the island, everybody is just careful". Love it - what a great attitude! Tell you what, let's phone Lloyds of London and tell them the game's up - from now on we´ll all just be careful.

Needless to say the islands main attractions didn't disappoint - the hundreds of mystical Moai (huge stone carved statues that people are still trying to figure out how were moved around), and the island's volcanos were fantastic to see close up.

And of course, Crap Elvis managed to spend some time wandering around.
But were other forces at work? Just minutes after the photos here were taken, I fell mysteriously ill. High fever, vomiting, aching, sudden tiredness. This lasted for 24 hours during which no matter how increasingly tired I felt, every time I shut my eyes to try and sleep, it was like a radio came on in my head pumping out bloody Elvis songs. Do you know what it´s like to hear the first line of ¨Heartbreak Hotel¨ for 8 hours straight?...well I do...and it´s not very nice. So was it the ancient Gods of Rapa Nui I´d offended, or was it the spirit of Elvis deciding that having already done spooky things to my knee before I left, more pain was necessary in a bid to stop my crap impersonation? Come to think of it now, it was probably the half-cooked fish I ate the night before.

Some video for you:

Met some great people including those in the photo below:Richelle(US) and Alejandro (Chile), and Jian and Nele from Belgium. At first glance, Jian just happens to be wearing a yellow top, but the story behind it proves that Mums around the world are all the same. Before he embarked on his world trip she wanted to buy him the national football shirt of Belgium to take with him. Unfortunately the shop was sold out.....so she bought him a referees shirt instead. Anyone who has a mum will understand.

I thought I might try this interesting dish for a starter, although it made the rest of the night a little awkward. Anyone else for double rape?

Crap Elvis in the media update:
Had a good chat the other day to Chris Costello at 4BC in Brisbane. Also have been told of a couple of TV spottings on the ABC and Channel 7 from when we were in Parkes.

Thanks to Cookey for a spot on his online scribblings http://www.theperthfiles.blogspot.com/

Thanks to Guy Wilkinson from Sydney´s Sun Herald paper for his bit which appeared this weekend in the Travel section, and can now be found online by clicking here
A small excerpt from that article below:

¨Not all impersonators are out to win karaoke competitions, though. Matt Hale, 37, originally from England but now residing in Perth, has his own unique mission. Before leaving for a year of travelling, Hale happened across a $30-Elvis suit. Unable to resist its allure, he splashed out for the costume and soon after, his alter ego was born - "Crap Elvis."

Hale's objective soon became clear - to tour the world performing in Elvis competitions, in order to lose. So far, while dressed in his already fraying suit, Hale has run with the bulls in Pamplona, posed with the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro and reaped the coveted last-place prize in the Parkes Elvis look-alike competition.

"I don't sound like Elvis, look like Elvis or sing like Elvis," Hale tells me over a beer. "I'm never going to be the best. There's no point just being in the middle there so you might as well be the worst," he says before taking to the stage.

His tub-thumping rendition of A Hunka Hunka Burning Toast has the pub roaring with laughter. Clearly, even diehard fans of the King are relieved to see a new slant on Elvis impersonating.¨

Alright. Time to head off down another Paraguay backstreet in search of something. Anything.

More Crap Elvis vids and pics from Sydney and Parkes Elvis Festival

2008-01-14T16:51:00.000+09:00

Bit of Crappiness around Sydney today in the rain, but again met some great people.
On that subject, if anyone knows "Melissa and Greg" from Parkes who gave me the $30 to cover the cost of the suit after the mainstage performance, get them to contact me (crapelvis@gmail.com) as I'd like to give them my prize for Worst Elvis on the train which I can't use (2 first class rail tickets anywhere on the countrylink rail network - sounds lovely!).

Anyway, have cut up some more video. These first 2 are the songs I did on the mainstage for the Elvis soundalike comp in Parkes. I thought that all the Elvis' would get to do a couple of lines of the same song each - so imagine my glee (there was a lot of it) when I was asked at registration what TWO SONGS I would like the band to back me with! What! Are they mental?!!!! Anyway, they had Teddy Bear, but not Trouble (which I'd also penned an alternative version), so I opted for a hastily re-written version of Burnin' Love. Of course, I didn't tell the organisers or the band I would be using different words, so when I took to the stage (as first perfomer) in front of a couple of thousand people expecting to see Australia's best Elvis impersonators, I think they were surprised. A few mic problems on the second song, but just know that I'm happy I got to instruct all those people to "wave their toast in the air". Yes...it's a milestone.

Also here's some stuff from the Elvis Express that took us from Sydney to the festival.

Also thanks to Lindsay for sending in this pic of us and her travelling bear from the Parkes Hotel karaoke. I'll keep trying to post up any others that people send in. (crapelvis@gmail.com).

And today's media round-up: great chat with Rod and The Flack on 96fm's Breakfast Show in Perth (www.96fm.com.au) this morning, and a nice chat to Jess Perriam from the ABC for their brekky show is up with audio online and a good story at http://www.abc.net.au/centralwest/stories/s2138097.htm (text from the article below):

Crap Elvis: "Hunka hunka burning toast"
The Elvis Express passenger who received the most media attention across the festival was Matt Hale, a Perth radio producer who labelled himself Crap Elvis. And he was just that.

The story of Crap Elvis began with impluse buy of a cheap Elvis suit for a fancy dress party. It would have been all well and good to have bought the suit, except Mr Hale had nowhere to store the suit; he was going on a year-long backpacking adventure in three weeks' time.

Much to the dispair of his girlfriend Kathryn Preston, he decided the trip just wouldn't be complete without an Elvis suit to spice it up a little. Mr Hale pushed some of Ms Preston's toiletries aside to fit the Elvis suit in - after all, who needs perfume when you're backpacking?

The couple were meant to be en route to South America while the festival was on, but they delayed their journey just to squeeze in the chance to be the worst Elvis at the festival.

"I don't sound like Elvis, I don't look like Elvis and I can't sing like Elvis so I've pretty much nailed every aspect there. I just think I'm a man with a bad Elvis suit so people should just have very low expectation because I feel I can acheive those expectations."

Mr Hale has achieved those expectations in a stunning trifecta - The worst dressed on the Elvis Express, the worst Elvis lookalike and the worst Elvis soundalike. During the soundalike competition he put a new spin on some old Elvis classics, performing Won't You be my Terrorist and Hunka Hunka Burning Toast.

Mr Hale is confident that although the Elvis suit is very flimsy indeed, Crap Elvis will be dancing at Carnivale in Brazil, running away from bulls in Pamplona, and enjoying a cappucino in Rome.

Jess Perriam talks to Matt Hale as Crap Elvis
Matt Hale's come all the way from Perth to Parkes to be the worst Elvis ever. Find out why. | Jess Perriam
RealMedia 28k+ WinMedia 28k+

Ouch...now my typing fingers hurt. Off for a meal, beer, bed, then on a plane to Easter Island for the first stop of our South American leg.

I went to the Parkes Elvis Festival...and was Crap

2008-01-13T20:42:00.002+09:00

Too much to cover in this quick post from the past couple of days, but it was AMAZING!
One of the most surreal weekends ever. Few immediate highlights spring to mind...

A heros welcome by the town of Parkes as the Elvis Express train arrived.

The Trifecta of Winning Worst Dressed Elvis on the train, last place in the Elvis lookalike competition, last place in the soundalike competition

Performing my own version of Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear (renamed Let Me Be Your Terrorist) in front of a couple of thousand people expecting to see some of Australia's best Elvis impersonators in the soundalike competition.

A group of drunk elvis' doing tequila shots at the bar.

The same group attacking a mate who wasn't elvised up, and wedgying his undies until they ripped them out of his shorts.

A packed Parkes pub chanting "we want Crap, we want Crap" until I returned to the stage to perform "A Hunka Hunka Burning Toast"

A couple called Greg and Melissa forcing $30 into my hand after the soundalike competition to cover the cost of the suit - a gesture far from Crap

Meeting Elvis' (Elvii?) of all ages, shapes and sizes.

The hospitality of the people of Parkes.

Will post proper footage up soon once I get chance to edit it, but here's a rough bit of an intimate first performance!!!!

Crap Elvis suit already paid for itself

2008-01-11T15:50:00.000+09:00

Just a quick update (more photos/vids tomorrow) - crazy day on the elvis express from Sydney to Parkes for the festival. And I won the "worst dressed on the train". It's a big win, and one I was confident of taking off. Prize was 2 first class tickets anywhere on the train's network in the next year....which we'll be away for. Bitter sweet victory. The town's reception in Parkes was amazing - seemed like everyone had turned up to welcome the train. Gonna be a strange couple of days.

Anyway, few more interviews - good fun one with the 6pr brekky show in Perth (will pop online tomorrow), another with ABC Central West, and one with Sydneys' Sun Herald paper. Plus another story on the ABC website

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/01/10/2135540.htm

Elvis has left the beach...

2008-01-09T19:54:00.000+09:00

All going a bit mental really! More radio interviews today with the ABC in NSW (also going to meet a journo from the ABC on the Elvis Express train on Friday for a chat and photos). Also lined up to chat to the 6pr brekky show live from the Elvis train on Friday, and a weekend festival wrap-up with Rod and the Flack on the 96fm brekky show on Monday.

Plus sightings of the AAP story on the Sydney Morning Herald website www.smh.com.au/news/news/crap-elvis-wants-to-sing-the-classics/2008/01/09/1199554701146.html

and very proudly on the Crikey website (top site...well worth a regular browse) www.crikey.com.au/Crikey-Says/20080109-Crikey-Says.html

Anyway - leaving home behind in the morning so one last pensive glance out at the local beach (Scarborough, Western Australia). Got to kiss some babies, and make some new friends....(although kissing some new friends and making some babies would have been equally interesting).

Whose birthday? Oh, yeah right, I knew that...

2008-01-08T16:56:00.000+09:00

Hmmm...bit of media interest in Crap Elvis today. Apparently it's the old dead guy's birthday!

Had a nice chat on air with Tod Johnston on talk radio station 6pr (www.6pr.com.au) in Perth, Western Australia.

Plus a guy from the AAP news service got in touch and has put a piece together which is on the perthnow website

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,23024007-5012990,00.html
(story pasted below here)

Matt Hale's Crap Elvis round the world adventure

Article from: AAP

Julian Drape

January 08, 2008 04:23pm

OVER the next 12 months, Crap Elvis will party at Brazil's Carnaval, run with the bulls in Spain and pose next to the statues of Chile's Easter Island.

But first, Crap Elvis will spend five days at Parkes in central-western NSW, entering look-alike, sound-alike and move-alike competitions with a single aim - to come last.

Crap Elvis is the creation of Perth radio producer Matt Hale.

He's about to embark on a year-long, around-the-world trip with his girlfriend, Kathryn Preston, and a $30 Elvis costume.

The couple fly out of Australia in less than a week, but tomorrow morning in Sydney they'll climb aboard a special event train, the Elvis Express, bound for Parkes and its 16th annual Elvis Festival.

"It's probably not the best Elvis suit. In fact, I'm quite sure it's one of the worst,'' Mr Hale says of his outfit.

Crap Elvis can't sing and his stated ambition for Parkes is "a bottom placing at the karaoke''.

Crap Elvis loves the King, whose birthday is today, and wants to pay homage around the globe.

"Any major event where you shouldn't see Elvis, I'm hoping to add Crap Elvis,'' he told AAP today.
When asked if her boyfriend was a good singer, Ms Preston replied: "He's a good karaoke performer. He's always entertaining.''

The couple will be among an expected 7,000 Elvis fans who will almost double Parkes' population during the five-day festival.

Parkes' tourism manager Kelly Hendry said a shortage of accommodation meant a tent city - Graceland on the Green - had again been constructed on a local sports ground.

Ms Hendry said most visitors were from NSW, but the festival also attracted many people from around the world.

One of them, Paul Gilbert, from England, entered a painting in the Elvis art show and wanted to deliver it himself, Ms Hendry said.

His work is called Long Legged Girl in the Short Dress.

Highlights of this year's festival include a Priscilla hair competition, an Elvis street parade and a themed gospel church service.

About 30 couples will renew their marriage vows under the Love Me Tender Archway.

Celebrant Andrew Appleby will, of course, be dressed as Elvis.

"People feel that it's a way they can recommit to each other but also show their commitment to Elvis and their enjoyment of Elvis,'' Ms Hendry said.

Apart from the numerous professional impersonators performing there will be public look-alike, sound-alike and move-alike competitions.

Ms Hendry says the move-alike contest is based purely on "pelvis swivelling'' and dance moves.

"It's quite an art in itself,'' she said. "You've got to be limber.''

The tourism manager says the people of Parkes have come to love the media attention the festival brings - and the money it generates.

"Everyone's very aware that it's great for the town in terms of its economic contribution and also the national and international media interest it generates.''

It's been 31 years since Elvis left the building, and Mr Hale and Ms Preston plan to visit Graceland, his home in Memphis, Tennessee, to pay their respects later this year.

Crap Elvis has left the hospital...

2007-12-20T13:15:00.000+09:00

Oops. So there I was knocking a few Elvis poses out at home when I twisted my knee.

Not bad enough to stop playing football the same night...or so I thought.

But you know when you hear a snapping sound from inside your knee, and you collapse like a wall built with bricks and custard, screaming. I do. I did.

A trip to the emergency department, wheelchair and crutches deployed, then a chat with a sports doctor (elvis impersonating - see it at the next olympics) has let me know I've snapped my Anterior Cruciate Ligament, and will need a knee reconstruction.

"But I've bought a crap $30 Elvis suit and am going round the world for a year" I reasoned.
"Well off you limp then, see you in a year" he said.

AND I WILL. Doesn't he know there's a lookalike competition to lose?!

Brilllllllliant news!

2007-12-18T17:47:00.000+09:00

On hearing of Crap Elvis, someone mentioned an Elvis festival in Parkes, New South Wales (a few hours out of Sydney) they thought was around the time we leave for our trip.

In the worst case of timing since Princess Di said "nice night for a drive", it actually finishes on the day we arrive in Sydney to catch a plane to South America....
....so I changed the tickets to leave a couple of days earlier of course.

So now we're booked on the Elvis train (yes, really) out of Sydney on Fri 11 Jan, then into someone's house in this tiny country town where Elvis' (plural Elvii?) from all round Australia travel to. Check it out at www.parkeselvisfestival.com.au

It looks bizarre. And I now have a goal in life - to come last in the Elvis lookalike and karaoke competitions. It's on like Donkey Kong!

How it started....

2007-12-17T15:00:00.000+09:00

So there I was in Aussie cheapo shop Spotlight buying a wig for our farewell party before we headed off round the world for a year. And then I saw it. An Elvis suit for $29.99. Who could resist at that price? I certainly didn't.

Actually I should point out that the suit isn't officially an Elvis suit - the store called it a "Rocker" outfit, but I guess in the budget-conscious-elvis-suit market, naming royalties are an unecessary expense.

I further armed myself with a $10 "Greaser" wig (yep, royalties avoided again), and put together with the glasses I already had at home, I now own the crappiest Elvis suit in the world.

On taking it home, it was pointed out that maybe it was a complete waste of money, seeing as I'd just quit work to travel for a year...
BUT NOT IF IT COMES WITH US!!!!